The Funny Corner

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A customer sat down at a table in a very exclusive restaurant and tied a napkin around his neck. The restaurant owner was a bit taken aback at this because it was attracting unfavorable reactions from the other customers. So, he called a waiter and instructed him, "Try to make him understand, as tactfully as possible, that that's not done here." Said the thoughtful waiter to the customer: "Pardon me , sir. Shave or haircut sir?"
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By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." " Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
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Q: How do you make four old ladies to start cursing!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
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Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
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Bill, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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A little boy ask his mom how old she was and she said women don't tell their age, then he ask how much she weighed and she said we don't tell that either, so then the little boy ask her why her and his daddy got a divorce and she said that she couldn't tell him. A few days later the boy was looking at is moms drivers license and told his mom " I know how old you are" and she said "how old" he said 26 then he said I know how much you weigh and she said how much and he said 130. Then the little boy said I know why you and daddy got a divorce and she said why. The boy said because you got an "F'" in sex Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse, when Johnson lost $500 on a single hand! He clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up. Finkelstein looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They drew straws and Miller picked the short one. They told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me!" Miller went over to the Johnson's condo, and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked what he wanted. Miller declared: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker, and is afraid to come home." Tell him to drop dead!" said the wife.
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A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'!!!"
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I went to the zoo the other day.
They only had a dog there.
It was a shitzu.

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