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Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was
from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the
end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey,
we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and
give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He
took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well
I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and
pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job
for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as
moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure
like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you
and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please
sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to
take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took
it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her
skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please
take off my panties."
When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.
The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in
politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. :)
"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?"
asks the customer. "Because it can program in C," answers the store
owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That
one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational
technology." The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That
one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the
man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest,
I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing
from their bed.
She got out of the bed and checked around the house for her husband.
She heard sobbing coming from the basement.
After turning on the basement light and descending the stairs, she
found her husband curled up into a little ball-sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what was hurting so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father
threatened me to marry you or go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
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