The Funny Corner

See the funny side of life

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
***************
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
***************
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
***************
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him but he can't hear everything, so he does sign language instead.
He points at his eye meaning "I", he points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. "
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets angry and he runs down to the 1st floor and yell s
"What is wrong with you? I need a handsaw!"
The other guy says : "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming."
***************
An Irishman named O'Malley was at his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, "I have bad news.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two to four weeks to live," O'Malley was shocked. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
O'Malley said, "Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live.
Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to
tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live; I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more
beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered,
"Dad. I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of
cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
********************
A monkey walks into a bar, orders a beer and pays with a $10 bill.
The barman deciding to joke with the monkey serves the beer and only gives the monkey 50c change.
The monkey does not react and begins to drink the beer.
After a while, the barman still surprised by the sight of a beer drinking monkey, turns to the monkey and says:
"We don't get many monkeys in this bar".
"I am not surprised if you charge them $9.50 for a beer" replies the monkey.

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